piece of beautify vs. broken shell: I am what I am

I love collecting pieces of  beautiful shells... what others may define as "broken shells" 

Try Googling the words, “I am what I am,” and you will come up with crazy results—from Popeye the sailor, to lyrics by the Jonas Brothers and from La Cage Aux Folles! And yes, I confess I know all of these “sources,” having watched the original 1978 La Cage Aux Folles movie when it came out.

But I digress.

Something –and nothing in particular, recently reminded me that…

I am not as smart as I think I am and

I am not as funny as I think I am and

I am not as strong as I think I am and

I am not as young as I think I am and

I am not as together as I think I am and

I am not as spiritual as I think I am and

I am not as pretty as I think I am and

I am not as insightful as I think I am and

I am not as honest as I think I am and

I am not as generous as I think I am and

I am not as contemplative as I think I am and

I am not as nice as I think I am…

I am also…

Not as dumb as I think I am and

Not as dull as I think I am and

Not as weak as I think I am and

Not as old as I think I am and

Not as discombobulated as I think I am and

Not as irreverent as I think I am and

Not as ugly as I think I am and

Not as dense as I think I am and

Not at dishonest as I think I am and

Not as selfish as I think I am and

Not as unreflective as I think I am and

Not as mean as I think I am.

By the grace of God, I am who I am.

+   +   +   +   +

“The only one to be ‘fully human’ was Jesus—with Mary a close second. So it is easier to say what it is not than what it is. Essentially, it means accepting our full body—soul creation with its inbuilt limitations…

I’m not putting this very well. Our desire for God can betray us into angelism: that perfidious and subtle form of pride…

But we should listen to what is found wanting in us and sweetly and trustfully look to Jesus for him to transform what he wishes. Often ‘not fully human’ refers to our relationships. We can only strive, with all our sensitivity, to make them warmer, more loving.”

~Sister Wendy Beckett

“I am what I am, and that's all that I am.”

~Popeye

“I am delighted that a perception of your wretchedness and your weaknesses and a consciousness of your nothingness are your normal preoccupation during prayer. It is thus that you gradually acquire complete distrust of self and utter trust in God. Thus, too, you are firmly established in that interior humility which is the enduring foundation of the spiritual edifice and the chief source of God’s graces to the soul.

You must be neither surprised nor grieved at the destruction your self-love fears: if it were free of this fear it would not be self-love. Only souls already greatly detached from self long for this utter death and, far from fearing it, desire and command it unceasingly of God. In your case you will have done enough if you endure patiently and peacefully the various stages which bring it about.”

~ Jean-Pierre de Caussade, S.J.

seeds of blessing in the middle of the night

flying into OKC
[June 2014]

My good friend Pat Stankus used to say that at the end of the day, the one question I must answer in my spiritual journey is this: “am I doing my part?”

Whether we call it surrender, an open heart, a willing spirit, detachment… ultimately, that’s what I’m responsible for, showing up to prayer and saying, my Lord and my God... here I am. 

The rest is up to God. And as I continue to be reminded, I do mean all of it. Whether I will continue to grow. Be able to forgive. Become whole. Grow in holiness. See with new eyes. Understand. Accept. Become. Let go. Even how “well” I can pray. Letting go of resentment. Or become worthy of the promises of Jesus the Christ.

Something I read today (with a few ‘first person’ adaptations) by Alfred Delp, S.J., a heroic German priest who was imprisoned and martyred by the Nazis in a death camp in 1945:

[T]he quiet angels of annunciation, who speak their message of blessing into the distress and scatter their seeds of the blessing that will begin to grow in the middle of the night.  These are not the loud angels of public jubilation and fulfillment, these angels of Advent.  Silently and unnoticed, they come into private rooms and appear before our hearts as they did long go. Silently they bring the questions of God and proclaim to us the miracles of God, with whom nothing is impossible…

[If I]…no longer perceive the quiet footsteps of the announcing angels, if the angels murmured word does not simultaneously shame [me] to the depths and lift up [my] soul—then it is over for us. Then we are living wasted time, and we are dead, long before they do anything to us.

~from “Advent of the Heart: 

Seasonal Sermons and PrisonWritings 1941-1944" 

(Ignatius Press)

I had to read that last paragraph several times, and am still sitting with it. Perhaps it’s because right now life feels so very fragile and short, and I desperately don’t want to live in “wasted time,” but I find his words provoking, yes, and challenging, but also weirdly reassuring.

As Father Delp goes on to say, “To believe in the golden seeds of God that the angels have scattered and continue to offer an open heart are the first things we must do with our lives.”

Show up! The rest is up to God.

the new normal

For the past month or so, our son Christopher and his family have been living with us as he and Mary discern and find a new home in Oklahoma for their family of five.

Having our three grandchildren (and their parents!) living with us is an indescrible gift of joy, full of surprises and unexpected blessings every day. I often boast that I have the best daughter-in-law in the world. Mary and I are not just related, we’re also friends who work at building our intimate relationship.

Elena and Diego

Yet as beautiful as this experience has been so far, it obviously has its challenges as we all adjust to a new normal!

One area that I’ve had to rethink and recommit to doing is, surprisingly, my daily prayer, something that has always been the highest priority for me.

The trouble is, for years now I’ve been the queen of my own daily schedule. When i don’t take prayer time first thing in my day, I simply rearrange the day to take prayer time later on. That’s not so easy when there’s a 2-year-old and twin 6-month-old babies in the house.

Ignacio

 With grandchildren waiting for me on the other side of my bedroom door, I confess it’s been hard to not rush out to join the fun chaos I hear. They also wake up much earlier than I do, which only makes me more aware of not being out there to help.

Much as I did when my children were young, I’ve learned that even in this temporary normal, I must be deliberate about taking care of myself—physically, mentally, and spiritually. That means, first and foremost, not leaving my bedroom until I've taken time to be silent in prayer.

Cecilia

 Maybe before I die I’ll learn the lesson that seems to keep repeating itself: when I do my part to be at my best within the circumstances of my life, I am also better able to be present to the people in my life.

+   +   +   +   +

“When we are distracted during prayer and find the time long because of our impatience to pass on to something else, it is good to say to yourself: My soul, are you tired of your God? Are you not satisfied with him? You possess him and do you seek for something else? Where can you be better than in his company? Where can you profit more? I have experienced that this calms the mind and unites it with God.” 

~Saint Claude de la Colombière, S.J. (d.1682)

+   +   +   +   + 

Remember: I have one copy of 

Marge Fenelon's “Imitating Mary”  to give away! 

To be entered to win, just leave a comment by going here. You may even leave separate comments if you also share this post/giveaway on Twitter and Facebook. 

But hurry -- the contest ends at 8 pm CST on Sunday, May 5. 

What do Martin Sheen, Maureen Orth, James Martin, SJ, Cokie Roberts and I have in common?

"...heartily recommended"

—Martin Sheen 

"...a glorious tribute to these brave women"

—Joseph Girzone 

"...pure celebration and gratitude"

—Richard Rohr 

Now that I have your attention, I'd like to introduce you to the book lucky enough to have these reviews, one that I'm proud and grateful to be a part of: “Thank You, Sisters: Stories of Women Religious and How They Enrich Our Lives,” (Franciscan Media, 2013).

 

The book is a collection of 12 essays by “some well-known and some less-known writers. Some are about unknown Sisters; others are about newsmakers.”

The featured essayists include: Cokie Roberts; Maureen Orth, award-winning journalist and special correspondent for Vanity Fair; Sr. Helen Prejean; James Martin, S.J.; best-selling author Adriana Trigiani—“and more!”

That’s where I come in. I’m one of the “less-known writers” included in the “and more!” 

The publisher’s description: 

“Thank You, Sisters tells the true stories of Sisters and the people they have influenced, showing the effect women religious have had not only on the U.S. Catholic Church, but on the nation as a whole, in areas such as health care, education, social justice, and pastoral ministry.” 

The book was put together and edited by my friend and colleague John Feister, editor-in-chief of St. Anthony Messenger magazine.

My essay, “Mi Hermana Tess,” tells the story of my friendship with my heart friend Sr. Tess Browne, a member of the Sisters of Charity of Nazareth, Kentucky.

Sr. Tess and I, 1992, at the

7th National Black Catholic Congress, New Orleans

Here’s a taste of my essay-- remembering when I first met Tess at the University of Texas Catholic Center 34 years ago. I was 19.

One day in the spring, my good friend and staff member Sister Anne, a Dominican from Houston, received a call from a Franciscan sister working in McAllen, Texas. She explained that a group from the United Farm Workers movement had come to Austin to speak to the convening Texas Legislature and to lobby on behalf of farm workers. They were looking for a place to stay for a few days and wanted to connect with college students at the Catholic Student Center who were interested in learning about their ministry.
 Sr. Marie-Therese Browne, or Tess, as she introduced herself, was a 37-year-old dynamo with a heart the size of Texas. She was a member of the Wisconsin chapter of the Sisters of St. Francis of Assisi. A native of Trinidad, Tess and I immediately bonded as we joked and shared about our experience living in the states as Hispanic women from the Caribbean islands. But as Tess pointed out in her characteristic direct style in an accent laced by the Creole and French spoken in her island, as a Black woman Hispanic, “I have one up on you!”

¡Si se puede!

University of Texas Catholic Center students visiting farm workers in South Texas, 

with Sr Tess Browne of the United Farm Workers, 1980

With Tess, a mini-reunion of our University Catholic Center UFW group

at my daughter Michelle's wedding, July 2012

In Arrupe's words: enough said

“Nothing is more practical than
finding God, than
falling in Love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.”

            ~Rev. Pedro Arrupe, S.J. (1907-1991) 

in "Finding God in All Things: A Marquette Prayer Book" © 2009