piece of beautify vs. broken shell: I am what I am

I love collecting pieces of  beautiful shells... what others may define as "broken shells" 

Try Googling the words, “I am what I am,” and you will come up with crazy results—from Popeye the sailor, to lyrics by the Jonas Brothers and from La Cage Aux Folles! And yes, I confess I know all of these “sources,” having watched the original 1978 La Cage Aux Folles movie when it came out.

But I digress.

Something –and nothing in particular, recently reminded me that…

I am not as smart as I think I am and

I am not as funny as I think I am and

I am not as strong as I think I am and

I am not as young as I think I am and

I am not as together as I think I am and

I am not as spiritual as I think I am and

I am not as pretty as I think I am and

I am not as insightful as I think I am and

I am not as honest as I think I am and

I am not as generous as I think I am and

I am not as contemplative as I think I am and

I am not as nice as I think I am…

I am also…

Not as dumb as I think I am and

Not as dull as I think I am and

Not as weak as I think I am and

Not as old as I think I am and

Not as discombobulated as I think I am and

Not as irreverent as I think I am and

Not as ugly as I think I am and

Not as dense as I think I am and

Not at dishonest as I think I am and

Not as selfish as I think I am and

Not as unreflective as I think I am and

Not as mean as I think I am.

By the grace of God, I am who I am.

+   +   +   +   +

“The only one to be ‘fully human’ was Jesus—with Mary a close second. So it is easier to say what it is not than what it is. Essentially, it means accepting our full body—soul creation with its inbuilt limitations…

I’m not putting this very well. Our desire for God can betray us into angelism: that perfidious and subtle form of pride…

But we should listen to what is found wanting in us and sweetly and trustfully look to Jesus for him to transform what he wishes. Often ‘not fully human’ refers to our relationships. We can only strive, with all our sensitivity, to make them warmer, more loving.”

~Sister Wendy Beckett

“I am what I am, and that's all that I am.”

~Popeye

“I am delighted that a perception of your wretchedness and your weaknesses and a consciousness of your nothingness are your normal preoccupation during prayer. It is thus that you gradually acquire complete distrust of self and utter trust in God. Thus, too, you are firmly established in that interior humility which is the enduring foundation of the spiritual edifice and the chief source of God’s graces to the soul.

You must be neither surprised nor grieved at the destruction your self-love fears: if it were free of this fear it would not be self-love. Only souls already greatly detached from self long for this utter death and, far from fearing it, desire and command it unceasingly of God. In your case you will have done enough if you endure patiently and peacefully the various stages which bring it about.”

~ Jean-Pierre de Caussade, S.J.

two and a half thoughts... on parenting

Saint Monica was born of a Christian family at Tagaste in Africa in 331. She poured forth many tears and prayers to God for [her son Augustine]’s conversion. A model of the virtuous mother, she nourished the faith by her prayers and witnessed to it by her deeds. She died at Ostia in 387.

[from today’s Magnificat, Memorial for Saint Monica]

It cannot be denied that God often takes away from us all exterior aid that he may possess all our trust. Oh, if we could but give him it to the uttermost nor share one white of it with whomsoever it be, how thoroughly compensated we should be for the absence of all help deriving from creatures! And what interior freedom we should know! Indeed there is nothing plainer: the grief and excessive anxiety to which your soul is exposed at perceiving itself deprived of exterior help can come only from an intemperate attachment to those human aids.

~Jean-Pierre de Caussade, S.J.

 +   +   +   +   +

More often than not, when parents hear that our four adult children are all active, practicing Catholics, they immediately want to know what I / we “did” to make this happen.  I’ve even had writer friends suggest that I should write a book about parenting to help younger parents—and to encourage those couples whose adult children are not practicing the Faith.

I truly understand their desire. What they don’t realize is how inept I would be at tackling this topic.

I’m not denying that I took parenting our children very seriously, making career and personal choices that were not normal or made “sense.” I don’t deny that that as a couple we tried to make major decisions—and sometimes huge sacrifices—based on our mutual and deepest desire to pass on to them the Catholic faith we know and love.

Yet as I look back at critical moments in our family’s history, moments that shaped and defined us, I am very aware that this Faith, these values, were often nurtured in my kids not because of, but in spite of me, in spite of us and our failings as parents.

In the most difficult, heart-wrenching moments in our marriage, there was nothing for me to hang on to but the knowledge in faith that God would take care of my children and their spiritual needs because I could not. On my knees, over and over, I entrusted Him with that which is my greatest treasure: my family.

So, yes, I have been blessed with an awesome foursome—and they constantly and continually blow me away with their grounded values and lived faith. My children have always been my Grace.

I am deeply blessed.

my awesome foursome, 1994

Note: 

On this feast of St Monica, remembering in my prayers all mothers--especially those who pray for their children to find and/or come home to the Faith.

seeking: as good as seeing

Antigua, Guatemala

Guatemala

I’m sorry for the radio silence.  

Tons going on, all of it packed with much to process, emotionally, spiritually—and you know how long it takes me to do that!

“Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”  

~Philippians 4:6-7

+   +   + 

“You do well to devote yourself vigorously and, as it were, uniquely to the excellent practice of a complete self-abandonment to the will of God. Therein lies for you the whole of perfection; it is the easiest road and leads soonest and most surely to a deep and unalterable peace; it is also a sure guarantee of the preservation of that peace in the depth of our soul through the most furious tempests. The soul that truly abandons itself to God has nothing to fear from the most violent storms. Far from doing it any hurt, they will infallibly serve not only to increase its merits, but also to establish it more and more firmly in that union of its own will with the divine will which renders the tranquility of the soul invariable.” 

~Jean-Pierre de Caussade, SJ 

(as quoted in Magnificat, July 2, 2013)

+   +   + 

“Frequently I think about how important it is to know how to experience moments of pain, suffering, rejection, loneliness, failure, disappointment, and betrayal. These moments are all part of human life because they are part of human reality… We must develop our capacity to suffer and simultaneously, to offer up this pain. To do this, it is necessary to tell God, to cry out to God, about our suffering, kneeling with our eyes fixed on the crucifix. We must develop this mentality, this way of confronting life, so that when we encounter the cross, we do not trivialize, diminish, or strip away the value of this precious moment in which Jesus allows us to share the pain of His cross, by giving us a splinter. Pain is part of human life. We must nut run away from it, cheapen it by venting about it to others superficially!” 

~Mother Elvira Petrozzi (as quoted in Magnificat, July 1 2013)

 +   +   +

“Seeking is as good as seeing during the time God lets the soul labour” 

~Julian of Norwich

Guatemala

my wild flower garden

when emotions outlast memory

Continuing yesterday’s theme of mindfulness, learning attentiveness to the here and now, and living in the present moment. Since our grandchildren moved near us last month I have been very aware of the blessings intrinsic to allowing yourself to be present to small children.

When I was a young, I confess that I was often too busy taking care of the practical realities that come with becoming a mother to our awesome foursome in our first six years of marriage.

Being a grandmother, on the other hand, lets me have a certain distance and space that is new to me, and allows the grace present, for example, in completely surrendering my attention (and self) to the baby girl blowing bubbles in my face!

But this week I’m also pondering how to live in the moment with someone who suffers from memory loss, be it because of stroke, aging dementia, or as in my case, Alzheimer’s disease. After all, why does it matter spending time with someone if that person may not even remember that we were together?

I have a dear friend in her early 60s who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s four years ago, and it’s truly painful to watch this person whom I love dearly diminishing with each visit. In a very real way it feels like my friend is dying, even though physically she’s in better shape than I am.

When I’m with her, I try very hard to be deliberate about how I say things, but above all, how I respond to her, especially when she repeatedly asks the same question only minutes apart. I find that it’s not so much an exercise in mindfulness as it is a loving act, rooted in living the moment, each se-pa-ra-te mo-ment, without concerning myself with the connectedness of the whole conversation.

Two Peasant Women and a Child Seen from Behind, from the Foresteria Guesthouse 1757

By Giovanni Domenico Tiepolo (1727-1804)

It’s also been very helpful to remember that although she may not remember the details of our time together, my friend will remember the emotions, how she felt when we were together.

According to scientists, for people like my friend whose short-term memory is fading, the feelings (good as well as bad feelings) that are triggered by meaningful events actually linger. They are captured by a different part of the brain.

So, if the “good feeling” that my friend feels during our visits outlasts her memory, then, I pray for the grace to simply love on her from moment to moment, to let myself laugh long and hard—every time, and to find deep joy in what we’re doing, even when the story repeats itself several times in one night.

This, too, must be what Jean-Pierre de Caussade meant when he said: 

“Our only satisfaction must be to live in the present moment as if there were nothing to expect beyond it.”

to strip ourselves naked before God

In his book “The Mindful Traveler,” author Jim Currie describes the Buddhist practice of mindfulness or attentiveness as an invitation to pause and take in the marvel of the moment. 

“The Buddha taught that on everyone’s path are a series of opportunities, hindrances, and obstacles that in some way reflect what is inside us. Inner and outer reality dance together, giving us a chance to affirm our own higher powers and break out of our conditioned responses, attachments, and self-limitations. In some cases this simply requires breathing deeply and letting anxieties pass. In other cases, it requires taking stock of our surroundings, penetrating self-created distortions, asking ourselves--what is the big picture here? What is the pattern that I am caught up in? What choices am I making that determine my day? What forces and energies are at work that I am pointlessly opposing?”

Every day we are engaged in a miracle, wrote Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh, a miracle 

“which we don’t even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child––our own two eyes. All is a miracle...[M]indfulness itself is the life of awareness: the presence of mindfulness means the presence of life, and therefore mindfulness is also the fruit. Mindfulness frees us of forgetfulness and dispersion and makes it possible to live fully each minute oflife. Mindfulness enables us to live.”  

All we have to do, he said, is “enjoy each step you take.”

In our Catholic Christian tradition, living in the present moment is at the heart of living in the Spirit, of knowing that God is––and that He lives––in the here and now. Saints, mystics, and contemplatives throughout the centuries have written about the importance of recognizing the presence of God in each moment. 

In the brief yet powerful work “Abandonment to Divine Providence,” the 17th century French mystic and Jesuit priest Jean-Pierre de Caussade challenged believers to embrace the present moment as an ever-flowing source of holiness. He explained it this way, 

“Every moment we live through is like an ambassador who declares the will of God...Everything works to this end and, without exception, helps us toward holiness. We can find all that is necessary in the present moment. We need not worry about whether to pray or be silent, whether to withdraw into retreat or mix with people, to read or write...What does matter is what each moment produces by the will of God. We must strip ourselves naked...so that we can wholly submissive to God’s will and so delight him. Our only satisfaction must be to live in the present moment as if there were nothing to expect beyond it.”

[from "The Journey: a Guide for the Modern Pilgrim," a book I co-wrote with my hubby of 31 years, Michael]