when my flesh and my heart fail

“I have the feeling that what is asked of us is to live in the whirlwind, without keeping back any of our substance, without keeping back anything for ourselves, neither rest nor friendships nor health nor leisure—to pray incessantly and that even without leisure—in fact to let ourselves pitch and toss in the waves of the divine will till the day when it will say: ‘It is enough’.”

~Raïssa Maritain

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever

Psalm 73:26

“Listen carefully… and incline the ear of your heart”

~Rule of St. Benedict

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Do you know how many times the word “heart” appears in Scripture? Depending on the translation of the Bible, and on how the word was translated in the first place, the answer can be something like 726, or as many as 963 times!

The HEART has been, quite literally, the center of my Lenten journey this year.

The week of Ash Wednesday, during a very relaxing and joyous time walking  and exploring the beaches of northern California with my hubby, I experienced what I can only describe as a heart episode—or at least, what I thought at the time could be a heart episode.

It was not, and I did not have a heart attack. Yet whatever that event was, it led us to spend a whole afternoon at the local ER, where I learned that my EKG results were abnormal.

Fast forward to a discussion back at home with my primary doctor, followed by one test after another with abnormal results—all the way to last week, when I became the dazed but thankful recipient of a new stent in my heart.

It all still feels very surreal. And quite honestly, I am still taken back by this new development, this very new world of heart “things”… cardiac terms (it’s like learning a new language!), ID cards that I must carry with me, new medications, and a permanent label of “cardiac patient” as part of my medical record.

As a dear friend reminded me, as mysterious as all this seems to me, it is nothing less than another life metaphor of my Camino journey, and a new path in the pilgrimage that is my body.

From the beginning – and all of a sudden – my Lent has become a season of listening… and anywhere and all the time, all I hear is the word HEART.

It jumps out at me everywhere… in daily Scripture, in song lyrics, Morning Prayer, in my Lenten readings, even in people talking!

It also makes it impossible to not see it and not hear it, with new eyes and ears.

My heart was blocked, and now is flowing. My heart was fragile, and now has strength. My 58-year-old abnormal heart is listening…

O Lord, help me to listen

art by Stephen Whatley

go ahead, I dare you to laugh

“A joyful heart is the health of the body”

or in this translation:

“Laughter does good like a medicine.”

                                                              ~ Book of Proverbs, Chapter 17, verse 22

“Humor is a prelude to faith and laughter is the beginning of prayer.”

                     ~Reinhold Niebuhr

 

Did you know that laughter can improve your life in 111 different ways?  Here are five, just to get you thinking:

#1       one woman’s personal failure is another woman’s… not exactly success, but definitely a source of shared humanity.

Picture this. I’m babysitting – by myself – all five of my grandkids, and everyone, I mean everyone, is grouchy and whinny.  At one point I look at the gang that surrounds me, everyone four years old and under, and I say rather loudly, “Oh my LORD!”  Upon hearing the word “Lord,” my one-year-old granddaughter Sofia folds her hands… in prayer and looks up at me.  Clearly, God knows that I was NOT praying, but Sofia reminded me to stop, laugh, and yes, say a prayer together.

#2       I read somewhere that Carol Burnett once said, “comedy is tragedy plus time.” Clearly not every tragedy will transform into humor of the ha-ha type.  But I’ve learned that happiness and sadness can and often do travel together.  It’s important for me that I remember that even in the darkest moments, light will soon follow.

And in truth, some pretty dark and/or dreadful moments do eventually become humorous. For example, the camping trip from he**, when tornadoes kept breaking out one after the other everywhere around us. Not only did our family have to take down our camping site in a panic in the rain, we had to drive east as fast as we could trying to find shelter or outrun the tornadoes.  Yet within two hours we were “camping” and roasting marshmallows again –at a Marriott Residence Inn!

If you want to read a family-oriented blog whose writer has a phenomenal sense of humor about every day moments, check chewingcrayons.com! 

#3       Who would you rather be around, a pessimist cynic who never smiles because life is just too hard or a realist who finds humor in most situations?  

Yeah, me, too!  Enough said.

#4       there are 17 different ways that laughter is good for you, physically.  It boosts  the immune system. It triggers endorphins and can even temporarily relieve pain. It improves and increases blood flow, protecting your heart (both literally and figuratively) against difficulties. 

A few years ago I realized that the physical exercises I was doing in physical therapy, AND the wise advice I was given in acupuncture by Dr. Li, AND my spiritual director’s guidance – were actually all telling me the same thing.

Open up your chest.

Breathe as deep as you can.

Let yourself be vulnerable, open, and genuine!

Do you need more reasons?

#5       Since laughter relieves physical tension, stress and anxiety, experts say that your muscles stay relaxed for up to 45 minutes following laughter!

I know it is different when you’re a young mom and you have 15 different balls to juggle with your kids. But I can tell you that the best medicine for me when I’m having a bad day or when my body is flaring up is to hang out with my grands. Within seconds… okay, within minutes, I am laughing at something one of them said or did. Who can resist a 2-year-old stud opening the front door in sunglasses?

As expert author Misti B., points out, “laughter has never failed to improve one’s life.”  Check out her book, "If you leave me can I come with you?" -- right here!

And yes, I've written about humor before -- like here and this one here. But I'm not as funny as Mrs. Diaz! 

“It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use,

from time to time,

of playful deeds and jokes”

                                                                       ~ St. Thomas Aquinas

I don't want my children to inherit my weird neuroses...

“Son, in 35 years of religious study 

I've come up with only two hard, incontrovertible facts; 

there is a God… and, I'm not Him.”

~Father Cavanaugh (played by Robert Prosky)

to a young Rudy (played by Sean Astin)

in the movie Rudy

I still remember the first time I became genuinely aware that my ability to love my children would always be incomplete, inefficient, clumsy.

I could not rely only on myself if I wanted them to know God’s unconditional love for them!

So every night before I went to bed, I went into each child’s room and placed my hands on his or her sleeping body, asking—sometimes begging—God to, “please heal the gap between the love she felt today and the perfect love you have for her.”

It was a prayer for healing for them, and a prayer of surrender for me.

Yet at times I still felt overwhelmed by this weight of parental responsibility for their well being—physically, mentally, emotionally, and of course, spiritually.

When I asked my friend and mentor Pat Stankus how she handled this sort of heaviness as a mom, she did her best to reassure me. Pat reminded me that God is always in charge, especially taking over when I walked in crooked lines. Above all, Pat reminded me that God knows and listens to the deepest desires of my heart.

Pat had such confidence and conviction when she spoke, either addressing a group or one-on-one, that I found it difficult not to trust with certainty anything she said.

“But, Pat,” I insisted, wondering if this time she understood my worry. “What can I do different? I don’t want my children to inherit my weird neuroses.”

“Oh no, Maria. I can assure you, that won’t happen… they will not have your same neuroses,” Pat answered without hesitation.

There was a substantial, long pause before Pat added with a huge smile, “your children will develop completely new ones!”

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This is a powerful HEALING PRAYER that you may find helpful.

I have prayed it for myself, and I have also prayed it inserting the name of one of my children—especially when I sensed that he or she was struggling.

HEALING PRAYER

Jesus, I ask you to enter into my heart and release me from those life experiences that torment me. You know me so much better than I know myself. Therefore, bring your love to every corner of my heart. Wherever you discover the wounded child, touch, console, and release me. 

Walk back through my life to the very moment when I was conceived. Cleanse my bloodlines and free me from those things that may have exerted a negative influence at that moment. Bless me again as I was being formed in my mother’s womb and remove all barriers to wholeness which may have affected me during those months of confinement. Bridge the gap between the love that I needed and never perceived receiving. 

Jesus, I ask you to surround my infancy with Your light and heal those memories that keep me from being free. If I needed more of a mother’s love, send me Your Mother, Mary, to provide whatever was lacking. If I needed more of a father’s love and security to assure me that I was wanted and loved very deeply, I ask you to hold me and let me feel Your strong, protective arms. Give me renewed confidence and courage to face the trials of the world because I know my Father’s love will support me if I stumble and fall. 

Thank you, Lord!

 [Photos of Dale Chihuly art, permanent exhibit at the Oklahoma City Museum of Art]

if I could tell you stories

That moment where I realize I’m at the bottom of the page, and I honestly have no idea what I just read.  Perhaps you can relate.

I have been so easily distracted lately.  Not only is my mind constantly forgetting things, even meetings or events. But it also effortlessly wanders off into meandering wonderings.

At daily Mass, for example, as I’m kneeling, preparing to go up for communion, I glance at the minister of the cup and think, “whoa, he looks like he’s gained at least 10 pounds!”—and there goes the my attention down the trail of errant thoughts.

I am aware that a lot of this is temporary. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that my mind—much like the rest of “me”—has experienced an overload of deep, intense, and life-changing moments and emotions.  How can I feel both overloaded and empty?

I know it’s going to take a while. Much like healing from a surgery, in this mourning, shifting, and grief, there is no substitute for time.

So on days like today, when it is, literally, impossible for me to remain concentrated on any one thing; I make a new plan of action.

·               I give myself a break. I begin by stopping any and all negative/dismissive/judgmental language about myself. You know the kind, those demeaning statements that always imply I should be doing better.

·               If I have an important task that must be completed, I slow down, take notice of what I’m thinking—or where I got distracted, and simply go back to the original process. As the PHOX song says, “Everything I do I do in slow motion.”

·               When possible, like at Mass!—I close my eyes. This simple act makes my other senses pay more attention.

·               At prayer, or sometimes when I’m in bed with too many things flying around inside my head, I hold a small cross or a crucifix in my hand and gently touch it with my fingers. Again, it alerts my other senses and helps me focus.

·               And did I mention I give myself a break? With temperatures and the heat index over a hundred, I can’t go outside as much as I’d like. But the Oklahoma evenings still allow me to sit under the stars, or go on a late night walk with my hubby.

Would you believe me if I told you that I sat down to write a blog post about music? 

Ah, well… maybe the next one!