Thursday, September 3, 2015

I don't want my children to inherit my weird neuroses...

“Son, in 35 years of religious study 
I've come up with only two hard, incontrovertible facts; 
there is a God… and, I'm not Him.”

~Father Cavanaugh (played by Robert Prosky)
to a young Rudy (played by Sean Astin)
in the movie Rudy

I still remember the first time I became genuinely aware that my ability to love my children would always be incomplete, inefficient, clumsy.

I could not rely only on myself if I wanted them to know God’s unconditional love for them!

So every night before I went to bed, I went into each child’s room and placed my hands on his or her sleeping body, asking—sometimes begging—God to, “please heal the gap between the love she felt today and the perfect love you have for her.”

It was a prayer for healing for them, and a prayer of surrender for me.

Yet at times I still felt overwhelmed by this weight of parental responsibility for their well being—physically, mentally, emotionally, and of course, spiritually.

When I asked my friend and mentor Pat Stankus how she handled this sort of heaviness as a mom, she did her best to reassure me. Pat reminded me that God is always in charge, especially taking over when I walked in crooked lines. Above all, Pat reminded me that God knows and listens to the deepest desires of my heart.

Pat had such confidence and conviction when she spoke, either addressing a group or one-on-one, that I found it difficult not to trust with certainty anything she said.

“But, Pat,” I insisted, wondering if this time she understood my worry. “What can I do different? I don’t want my children to inherit my weird neuroses.”

“Oh no, Maria. I can assure you, that won’t happen… they will not have your same neuroses,” Pat answered without hesitation.

There was a substantial, long pause before Pat added with a huge smile, “your children will develop completely new ones!”

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This is a powerful HEALING PRAYER that you may find helpful.

I have prayed it for myself, and I have also prayed it inserting the name of one of my children—especially when I sensed that he or she was struggling.

Jesus, I ask you to enter into my heart and release me from those life experiences that torment me. You know me so much better than I know myself. Therefore, bring your love to every corner of my heart. Wherever you discover the wounded child, touch, console, and release me. 
Walk back through my life to the very moment when I was conceived. Cleanse my bloodlines and free me from those things that may have exerted a negative influence at that moment. Bless me again as I was being formed in my mother’s womb and remove all barriers to wholeness which may have affected me during those months of confinement. Bridge the gap between the love that I needed and never perceived receiving. 
Jesus, I ask you to surround my infancy with Your light and heal those memories that keep me from being free. If I needed more of a mother’s love, send me Your Mother, Mary, to provide whatever was lacking. If I needed more of a father’s love and security to assure me that I was wanted and loved very deeply, I ask you to hold me and let me feel Your strong, protective arms. Give me renewed confidence and courage to face the trials of the world because I know my Father’s love will support me if I stumble and fall. 
Thank you, Lord!

 [Photos of Dale Chihuly art, permanent exhibit at the Oklahoma City Museum of Art]

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