What can I do at those
moments, those periods, in life when it feels impossible to pray—when what I
really want to do is cuss out loud, to no one in particular?
Yesterday I pointed out
how I learned that when I couldn’t come up with language to express how I
really felt, I allowed the Psalms to pray for me.
I remember one night
driving home by myself from an event at our parish years ago, where a
presenter had quoted the famous Dag Hammarskjöld quote,
“For all that has been, Thank you. For all that is to come, Yes!”
Except I didn’t feel
very much like saying thank you—let alone saying yes! Instead, all the way home
I practiced saying “thank you” out loud in different voices, each one reflecting all the
feelings I could muster—sarcastic, upset, serious, angry yelling, upset crying,
annoyed, confused, frightened, hurt… I just kept yelling the words “thank you” out
loud with every possible feeling--to no one in particular, until I made myself laugh out loud at my interesting attempt
at “prayer.”
At home, I sat on the
bed crossed legged and opened the Bible to the Psalms once again, this time,
looking for something, anything that could convey my barrage of feelings. And I came
upon Psalm 13:
How long, LORD? Will you utterly forget me?How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I carry sorrow in my soul,grief in my heart day after day? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look upon me, answer me, LORD, my God!Give light to my eyes lest I sleep in death, Lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed,”lest my foes rejoice at my downfall.
How long… finally! It was as if
I could breathe deeply again. Even King David felt forgotten and alone like me! And
then I kept reading:
But I trust in your unfailing love.my heart rejoices in your salvation,I will sing to the LORD,for he has been good to me!
I learned that night
that my prayer can remain--"How long"--as long as I need it to be. Because someday, like King David, I, too, will be able to add: "I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me!"
That feeling of not wanting to say yes, or to say thank you. I can see myself, arms crossed and acting like I about 3 years old. Yet as an adult, I do have choices - even with my hard heart, like you, I can find a quotation to begin, read the Psalms, sit in the quiet. It is the choice to let my heart be changed, not made ever harder. Most days I am zig-zagging between the three year old and the 54 (55 on Monday!) year old, with God ever in that same heart. Thanks be to God.
ReplyDeleteThanks for these lovely postings. Such rich food for thought and prayer. Wait... is that the sound of my heart softening? Ay Dios mio! It just might be - thank you God, thank you Maria!