I want more

Misión la Purísima, southern California

It blows me away that we’re heading into the third weekend of Lent already.

And I am ashamed to confess that I haven’t been – or felt – very penitential so far this Lenten season.

If I’m honest with myself, there are certainly things that I could be doing different, or better, to “get into” Lent. I know, at least at some level, that there are abundant graces waiting for me in the work that discipline and sacrifice requires.

I’ve had a lot going on inside me since Lent began, but the reality is that what I’ve been feeling doesn’t feel very Lenten.  

I have felt, for example, unusually calm, peaceful. I find myself smiling at the simplest things or moments. And I’ve had more joy… about life, as it is, than I remember experiencing in a long time.

It doesn’t sound like Lent, does it? 

What I'm talking about doesn't have anything to do with a genuine Theology of Lent. I'm talking about that irrational part of me that thinks a good Lent has to be dark, difficult, and work—lots of work.

Yet thankfully, in those moments of grace where I’ve been able to set aside my intense and perpetual Cuban-Catholic guilt –and that unrelenting voice that continually reminds me how much I messed up, or that I don’t do enough, or that I got it wrong, again, or that I am not enough, etc. etc. etc.—then I can humbly see that there is, indeed, one thing that I’m “working” on this Lent.

It’s not something you can see, or measure, or tally in any form.

It’s simple, really… I’m “working” on letting go... so that God can work in me. What does that look like?

I told Jesus in my Ash Wednesday prayers that I wanted more.  I want my relationship with Him to be more real, more genuine. I want my desire for Him to be more urgent. I want my prayer to be deeper. And I don’t want to be merely content with what has become my normal, no matter how good it looks or sounds from the outside. I want more.

I also acknowledged then—and many times since that Ash Wednesday prayer, that I realize that this is not something that I can do, or something that I can work for, or something that I can even shoot to acquire.

But I told Jesus that I want it anyway. This is my heart’s desire. And I told him that I’m willing to wait for Him.

My real work right now is to show up to prayer…

+     +     +     +

This past weekend I accompanied Michael on a work-trip to Malibu, a place I’ve grown to love more and more with each visit. 

At the risk of boring you with beach photos, I do want to share with you a few of my favorite pictures of that incredible southern California coastline... I hope you enjoy them!

[All photos © Maria Ruiz Scaperlanda, 2015, 

taken with my iPhone 5s... I am a fan!]

angels watching over me... all day

Gorgeous angel in front of the Pauline Books & Media store

When Michael and I left our home yesterday morning, it was 8 degrees and snowing in Norman and Oklahoma City. A mere handful of hours later we landed at LAX, where the temperature was a balmy 60 degrees.

Needless to say, I’m in heaven. 

we began the day with daily Mass at Our Lady of Malibu 

the view from Pepperdine University

As if the warmer temperatures were not enough, I am spending the next few days writing and staring at the ocean—while my husband attends a conference on “Law and Love” at Pepperdine University. 

I can already confirm that this was a good way to spend my airline miles!

I brought with me enough research material to tackle one, maybe two good chapters of my book project while I’m here.

In my experience writing a book, the early stages in the process always make me feel a bit overwhelmed by the picture I see. As I whittle at it little by little, not only does the picture become clearer, but the process itself seems to find a natural rhythm that leads me in directions I couldn’t even see until I was “there.”

In a very real way, it’s a lot like going on pilgrimage. 

I am convinced that a pilgrimage begins the moment you decide that you’re going on one. In those early stages of preparation, it all looks and feels “big,” too big!

But this feeling (for lack of a better word) is only temporary—and as I continue to make progress on this project it’s important that I remember that.  As my dear Pat Stankus often reminded me, just enjoy it. It will pass!

It was easy to enjoy today.

the amazing Sr Rose!

I had a delicious lunch with my lovely and talented friend Sr Rose Pacatte, and even got to see her “writing space”  at the Pauline Center for Media Studies, as well as the impressive store run by her community, the Daughters of St. Paul, in Culver City. By the way, if you go, be sure to drop by their beautiful chapel in their store!

Just talking with Sr Rose was energizing and inspiring! 

On the way back to Malibu, I was enthralled by the beautiful drive along California’s PCH and made several stops along the way. 

Wishing you inspiration and blessings this weekend. And if you don’t hear from me for a few days, say a prayer for my writing project!

a few shots of my drive north on Cali's PCH: