Day by Day with María: the many colors of grief, part 2

I will be here

I will be strong

I'll face my fears

When the night is long

And still go on

I will be brave

I will be bold

Follow my faith

To a higher road

And I'm not there yet

But I will be

~Wynona Judd, chorus of “I will be”

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Getting it all out doesn't mean we need to be victims. It doesn't mean we need to revel in our misery, finding status in our martyrdom. It doesn't mean we won't go on to set boundaries. It doesn't mean we won't take care of ourselves.

Sometimes, getting it all out is an essential part of taking care of ourselves. We reach a point of surrender so we can move forward. ~Melody Beattie, from “The Language of Letting Go”

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I tend to be incredibly hard and impatient with myself.

My wise friend Pat once advised me to treat myself with the same patience, mercy, and understanding that I treated the people around me—especially when they were walking through a difficult situation.

So, as I mentioned last time, I have been deliberately giving myself time and space to find my way -- and find my grounding and Peace – as I mourn and move forward in the new life of being a heart patient.

I’m not going to lie. It has been a lot to take in.

I dislike (aka. hate) the many colors of bruises that decorate various parts of my body each day, with no recollection about how I got them! I really dislike trying to figure out the side effects of my new meds.

As I was saying to my mother in law earlier today, I have days when I’m good, and I have days when I’m teary, and I have days when I’m pissed off, and I have days when I am so full of gratitude that I can’t help but be teary, again!

But that sounds like living life, doesn’t it?

Today, it is okay to just say that I may not "be" where I want to be, that I’m not there yet – but I will be!

NOTE:

Here’s a song that reflects my current colors of grief, as well as all its lyrics -- words that have strengthened my heart this week!

Video of Wynonna Judd

"I will be"

Been caught in a downpour of a rain of stones

Felt like an exile in the world I had known

So I sought the shelter of my own soul

And stayed inside

I found no comfort in placing blame

I saw the hope that lay just beyond the pain

The past is a prison and I won't wear those chains

And I won't hide, oh no I will be here I will be strong I'll face my fears When the night is long And still go on I will be brave I will be bold Follow my faith To a higher road And I'm not there yet But I will be I could choose to keep my feet upon the beaten path