the many colors of grief, part 1

"The pain passes, 

but the beauty remains."

~ Artist Auguste Renoir, Artist

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“Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”~Phil 4:7

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The summer after my dad died, I found myself attracted to colors that, on the surface, did not seem to fit the somber emotions swirling inside me.

But I guess that was the point, no? 

Looking back on it now, it is rather obvious that I was looking for “color” as I walked through my grieving!

The color was this gorgeous ocean blue, which subconsciously – and then again, not so much so – clearly reflected my yearning for the setting on this earth that I naturally call home.

I painted everything. The shed door and my toenails. Some of our outdoor furniture and the hallway in my house. I bought a top, a table, and a pencil holder, then smiled and laughed realizing that they, too, were that same BLUE!

I have learned that grief can take on many colors, look different on every person – and even fluctuate and change over time as I continue to walk the pilgrimage that is grieving.

I am currently alternating between black – and red! – as I process and make peace with the reality of my heart condition.

I have also learned that, while grieving the loss of someone I love is tragic and deep, there are many other types of loss and change that I must also mourn, process, and walk through, before I find solid ground and Peace.

Most important of all, I have learned that – even when it feels so overwhelming and expansive that I find it hard to breathe – I can rest in the reality that, one day, I will make peace with my grief.

Even when I can not see it, I know that the Lord can – and always will – transform into new life… every death, every loss, every letting go, each and every ending.

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Lord, let me not run from the Love which you offer.

In each of my deaths, shed your Light and Love.

Keep calling to me!

Until that day comes, when with your saints,

I will praise you forever.