because we need a patron saint of the anxious

 

 

When our middle daughter was in college, she spent Spring semester of her junior year studying at Queen Mary University in London, and we visited her. It was a charmed trip with many unforgettable moments. 

 

A highlight for me was traveling to the coastal region of Norfolk and visiting the Church of St. Julian in Norwich, made famous by its history with Catholic mystic Julian of Norwich. 

 

Although we don’t know exact dates, Julian was born in December of 1342, and likely lived until 1430. At the age of 30, as Julian describes, “God sent me a bodily sickness” so grave that she expected to die. 

A priest brought her a crucifix, and Julian looked at Jesus and was healed. That’s when she experienced sixteen “showings,” messages from God. She spoke candidly with Christ on the cross, even asking Him questions.

 

These intimate, direct conversations with the Lord are Dame Julian’s greatest gift. In her best-known conversation, Christ told her, “All shall be well, and all shall be well. And thou shalt see thyself that all manner of thing shall be well.” 

 

Julian’s revelations took place during the span of a few hours, but it took her 40 or more years to ponder and write, Revelations of Divine Love. For the final 25 years of her long life, Julian became a hermit, living in a cell attached to the Church of St. Julian--and most likely taking the name of Julian from that saint. 

 

Dame Julian, as she was called in her time, received frequent visitors seeking spiritual instruction, “for the anchoress was an expert in such things and could give good advice,” Margery Kempe explained in her autobiography. As Pope Benedict XVI observed, Julian “had become a mother to many.”

 

She is fittingly hailed as “patron saint of the anxious” by author Hannah Matis. “If we can bring ourselves to believe her… we can become more aware of the quiet, insidious extent of our habitual anxieties and how they have unconsciously affected our understanding of Christ. Julian challenges us to ask ourselves how much good of God are we really prepared to believe.”

 

Julian’s words comfort me, but also persistently provoke me. 

The confident trust she professes in God and in God’s movement in life’s details, is not romantic optimism or positivity. Hers is a confidence grounded in reality, as life truly is. 

 

It is an affirmation that, yes, all things will be well—not because they will turn out as I want them to, but because no matter what comes next, God is with me. 

All is grace. God transfigures all, converts all, even suffering and anxiety, into grace and goodness. 

 

Julian’s confident trust that “all shall be well” is grounded on acknowledging God and God’s care for us, in our particular reality. She reminds me that this God of Love speaks to us, reveals Himself to us, precisely in the most intimate, quotidian details of my life. 

 

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This column was first published in the February 2021 issue of Liguorian Magazine, as the regular  column, “Just Live It”

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Notes on the icons / images above – image 1: Lady Julian of Norwich, icon by Anna Dimascio; image 2: This quote from Dame Julian has been taped to my bathroom mirror for years!; image 3:  Dame Julian and Margery Kemp, icon by Brother Leon of Walsingham

I confess... I miss anxiety

It’s just one word. 

But I still notice it, almost every time. 

I miss “anxiety.”

It's been eight years now since the new English translation of the Roman Missal was implemented in Catholic parishes across the country on the first Sunday of Advent--back in 2011.

At our own parish, we were well prepared for the changes by our pastor, who arranged very helpful homilies, over several weeks, and even started using the new language two months early! It was his way of helping us to focus on Advent-- and not on whether we were getting the words “right.”

At the time, as we worked on the transition as a community, I found it very helpful to keep in mind the responses we say at Mass in Spanish.  The 2011 English translation parallels those Spanish responses much better than the previous one ever did.

Yet there is one point at Mass that still stalls me.

Right after we say the Our Father, the celebrant’s prayer that leads to the Sign of Peace, currently says:

Deliver us, Lord, we pray, from every evil, graciously grant peace in our days, that, by the help of your mercy, we may be always free from sin and safe from all distress, as we await the blessed hope and the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

But prior to Advent 2011, the prayer was:

Deliver us, Lord, from every evil,
and grant us peace in our day.
In your mercy keep us free from sin
and protect us from all anxiety
as we wait in joyful hope
for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ. 

Protect us from ALL ANXIETY.

There is nothing wrong with distress. But I genuinely miss begging God, as a community, to protect us from anxiety, all anxiety.

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NOTE:

I have two free Advent Apps from MAGNIFICAT to give away!! 

Please leave a blog message or private message me if you’d like one!! 

First come first serve.

Happy first day of Advent! 

stress and anxiety at Christmas: open up your life

“We must go through the stages of feeling, not only in the last death of anything, but all the earlier little deaths. If we abort these emotional stages by easy answers, all they do is take a deeper form of disguise and come out in another way. So many people learn that the hard way—by getting ulcers, by all kinds of psychosomatic diseases, depression, chronic irritability, and misdirected anger—because they refuse to let their emotions run their course, honor them consciously, or find some appropriate place to share them.  Emotions are not right or wrong, good or bad. They are merely indicators of what is happening, and must be listened to, usually in the body. People who do not feel deeply finally do not know or love deeply either. It is the price we pay for loving. Like Job we must be willing to feel our emotions and come to grips with the mystery in our head, our heart, and, yes, our body too. To be honest, that takes our entire life. My emotions are still a mystery to me, and without contemplation they would control me.” ~Richard Rohr, adapted from Job and the Mystery of Suffering: Spiritual Reflections “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid.” ~John 14:27 “How better to celebrate again the presence of God among us than by learning from Joseph how to be free, fearless, and faithful, prudent, and wise? Faith for Joseph was an adventure that allowed him to walk with confidence into the unknown. He did not just open his home, he first opened his life. Three days before Christmas, the Church invites us to do the same.” ~Fr. Thomas Boyer

I’ve had a couple of days recently where waves of assorted emotions sweep over me, like an artic blast blowing into town. Often without warning, I feel a shift, followed by an immediate flow of feelings and tears.

I’ve written about anxiety and stress before. But this is different. I don’t know how to explain it better other than to say that something as simple as a song, a card, an email, even an image, reaches into my heart and I flinch. It seems to be frequently connected to a memory or a person, sometimes not.

Experts tell us that anxiety and being overwhelmed by memories and emotions is not unusual during holidays, especially at Christmas time. But this is new and unfamiliar territory for me.

I tried to describe to my friend Patricia the depth of emotions and how they have surprised me lately, and she wisely pointed out that, as we get older, the sensations and reactions at this time of year run deeper. 

Putting up the tree is no longer just about the task, but about the memories and emotions that each ornament brings. Setting out the nativity is not just setting out the pieces, but more about our unfolding understanding into this incarnational event that has changed us, and what it means to us now, as well as its significance in our pilgrimage towards eternal Life.

In Pat’s words,

“What is different now is that thru my life and my living I am in conversion.   I know now that I am a part of incarnation.  Christmas was Jesus becoming carnate, flesh, a baby.  A miraculous, difficult squeeze for God, for The Holy Spirit!  It is at Christmas that I realize I am becoming Spirit and that, thru my memories, loves and griefs, re-experienced thru reliving the traditions of the season, I a leaving my human life behind and squeezing slowly—oh, so slowly, into spirit.  We followers of Jesus, we adopted sons and daughters of God; have a difficult job trying to balance life in two worlds, working thru our life-long Rebirth.  Exhausting.  And in Advent the walls between seem thinner, the consequences clearer, and our joyful but breaking hearts speak to us out loud.”

In case it helps any of you facing similar moments over the holydays—especially when it feels like too much... here are my action steps:

#1, I let myself cry. The tears are my prayer.

#2, I tell a friend (and also my husband. Doing both helped a lot this week!)

#3, I go to daily Mass (where, of course, I inevitably tear up at communion ;-)

#4, I turn on all the Christmas lights, especially the new white tinkling ones I hung this year over the backyard French doors and across the mantle.

#5, I take a long walk with my hubby and my Siberian Husky Diego. There is nothing like physical activity to settle down the mind and the heart.

Yes, the walls between the here and the hereafter feel thinner during Advent... So go ahead: feel deep, breathe deep, sing and dance to music, laugh a lot… let this be your prayer of openness.

[photos around my house this weekend, following a very impressive ice storm!]

happy first birthday to me!

A year ago today, I posted my first blog post and Day by Day with Maria was born. Thanks to all of you faithful readers--I'm still here!

I thought just for fun, I'd repost my first blog. There is one important change to note:

The 2013 September equinox occurred today, September 22, at 3:44 p.m. CDT (20:44 UTC). This equinox marks the beginning of autumn in the Northern Hemisphere. 

Day by Day with María, September 22, 2012:

sky over Lake of Galilee

According to earthsky.org:

"The equinox happens today at 14:49 Universal Time, which is 9:49 a.m. Central Daylight Time for us in the central U.S. The September equinox takes place whenever the sun is at zenith – straight overhead – at the Earth’s equator. This magical moment signals the beginning of autumn in the Northern Hemisphere and spring in the Southern Hemisphere."

In the 1990 movie "Home Alone" (the first one), there's a scene where Macaulay Culkin's character, Kevin McCallister, is ready to fight off the thieves that he knows will be breaking-in to his house (I sure hope I'm not spoiling the plot for anyone!)--and Kevin says out loud seven words that I often find myself repeating:

"This is it. Don't get scared now."

What does this have to do with the equinox taking place September 22, you ask?

Equinox comes from the Latin words for "equal night." It is not only the point where one season turns to the other, it also points to the fact that on the equinox, both day and night are of equal length.

So after today, the nights—and the darkness—will continue to get longer and daylight will get shorter and shorter.  Did you know that the sun even sets faster around the time of an equinox?

California coast, north of Malibu

I have always been deeply affected by nature, especially sun and water. Living in land locked Oklahoma, I work at making sure I get to the ocean regularly for my “fix.” But when it comes to the sun, it’s a daily love affair. I am fed by its light.  I am nourished by the sun’s warmth. Sitting out in the mornings with my playful Siberian Husky Diego is not only an essential part of my daily quiet time, it is also part of my prayer time.

Winter is very difficult on me, physically and emotionally.  It makes me feel claustrophobic. I find it harder to breathe deeply. And when the light starts getting shorter and night spreads its big arms over the land and over my days, I become Kevin in “Home Alone” reminding myself, “This is it. Don’t get scared now.”

I have to work especially hard at living in the moment, not worrying about tomorrow--while doing what I can to take care of myself, day by day. For example:

• When winter temps offer a break, I go outside and face the sun, even if it means wrapped in wool blankets. 
•  I spend money on flowers, bright, colorful ones—and spread them throughout the house, anywhere where I spend the majority of my day--from the bathroom and nightstand to the kitchen and my desk.
• I play fun, upbeat music. Can't give in to emo-blues tunes!
• With my husband's help, I changed the light fixtures to add light inside our house. This may sound funny, but it’s made a huge difference for me!
• And when I can, I take a break and go south, preferably near the ocean! 

my back yard

why I miss anxiety

It’s just one word. But I notice it almost every day.

I miss “anxiety.”

The new English translation of the Roman Missal is not so new anymore. It was implemented in Catholic parishes across the country on the first Sunday of Advent 2011.

At our own parish, we were well prepared for the changes by our pastor who arranged very helpful homilies over several weeks—and even started using the new language two months early so that we could focus on Advent and not on whether we were getting the words “right.”

I found it helpful during the transition to keep in mind the responses we say in Spanish at Mass because the 2011 English translation parallels those Spanish responses much better than the previous one ever did.

Yet there is one point at Mass that still stalls me.

Right after we say the Our Father, the celebrant’s prayer that leads to the Sign of Peace now says:

Deliver us, Lord, we pray, from every evil,graciously grant peace in our days,that, by the help of your mercy,we may be always free from sinand safe from all distress,as we await the blessed hopeand the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

But prior to Advent 2011, we heard the celebrant say:

Deliver us, Lord, from every evil,
and grant us peace in our day.
In your mercy keep us free from sin
and protect us from all anxiety
as we wait in joyful hope
for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ. 

There is nothing wrong with distress. But I genuinely miss anxiety. 

I found it intensely healing to hear a public pleading to our Father at every Mass that He may “protect us from all anxiety”!  

It felt like a public confession (yes, Lord, anxiety is our culture’s distinctive and horrible disease--and I personally struggle with it)—followed by a shared supplication for help (we count on and desperately need your protection, Lord!).

be at peace

Elenita, 2013

Year passes after year silently; Christ’s coming is ever nearer than it was. O that, as he comes nearer earth, we may approach nearer heaven! You have one work only: to bear your cross after him. Resolve in his strength to do so. Resolve to be no longer beguiled by ‘shadows of religion,’ by words, or by disputings, or by notions, or by high professions, or by excuses, or by the world’s promises or threats. Pray him to give you what Scripture calls ‘an honest and good heart,’ or ‘a perfect heart,’ and, without waiting, begin at once to obey him with the best heart you have. Any obedience is better than none… Every act of obedience is an approach—an approach to him who is not far off though he seems so, but close behind this visible screen of things which hides him from us. The day will come when he will rend that veil, and show himself to us… May this be the portion of every one of us! It is hard to attain it; but it is woeful to fail. Life is short; death is certain and the world to come is everlasting.”

~John Henry Newman (†1890)

Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life with fear. Rather, look to them with full confidence that, as they arise, God to whom you belong will in his love enable you to profit by them. He has guided you thus far in life. Do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all trials. Whenever you cannot stand, He will carry you lovingly in his arms. 

 Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same Eternal Father who takes care of you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day of your life. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. 

 Be at peace then, and put aside all useless thoughts, all vain dreads and all anxious imaginations.

~ Francis de Sales (†1622)

I have been obsessed all weekend with a song.

In all honesty, that’s not unusual for me. When a song or piece of music surprises me, especially from an unexpected source, I set it to play and I keep it on replay ad nauseum – usually wearing headphones – so that I can really listen and decipher what about it touches my heart.

Here’s what I’ve heard:

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice

Dug my way out, Blood and fire

Bad decisions, that's alright

Welcome to my silly life

You're so mean,
When you talk, about yourself, you were wrong.
Change the voices, in your head
Make them like you Instead.

The whole world stares so I swallow the fear,

The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer.

So cool in line and we try, try, try,

But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time.

Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
We change ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
(Why do I do that?)

Here’s a YouTube video of it:

Perfect promo NYC, acustic 

Tonight, as you go to sleep, may you hear God whispering in your ear what most of us never really believe:

Pretty, pretty please

Don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please

If you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing

You are perfect to me.

~Lyrics to “Perfect” by P!nk 

[note: when you look it up, be sure to search for the “clean” version!]