resting in the Love which began it all

”What feels hopeless — is where you meet more Jesus... What they call the dark night of the soul may feel as endlessly black as the limitless cosmos — but darkness isn’t God, darkness isn’t infinite.

Darkness has limits, darkness has an end, darkness has borders. 

And sometimes you exhale like the expanse of a night sky, like even your breath calls your Father’s name, YWHW. 

And you breathe: All darkness has shores and there is always laughter on the other side. You have to believe this.  

And when you can’t believe— just breathe. 

Next breath, next thing, next step — and you will get through now.

He knew: He made your every breath to be the sound of His name, the endless song that comforts your only soul.”  

                                               ~Ann Voskamp

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“I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you.” ❤

~2 Kings 20: 5

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“[T]he true consolations of religion are not rosy and cozy, but com-forting in the true meaning of that word: com-fort: with strength. Strength to go on living, and to trust that whatever Joy needs… is being taken care of by that Love which began it all.”

~Madeleine L’Engle

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For the past few weeks, I have spent a considerable amount of energy and time learning how to live with my new heart.

If it sounds dramatic, it’s because… well, that ‘s how I have felt. Not dramatic in the sense of melodramatic, or theatrical. But the past month has been a dramatic experience for me, as in… intense, striking, vivid, life-changing.

One way that I have been able to describe it to my Hub, is that I have experienced several life-altering physical experiences in the past – surgeries that flipped my life upside down, for example.  But this was my first life-threatening physical reality.

So in the midst of reading many texts to learn more about my condition, and reading texts to learn about my new meds, and journaling to process my emotions, and doing cardiac rehab three times a week – in the midst of all of it, I have given myself as much time as possible to breathe and to just be. 

But more importantly, I have given myself time to breathe and to be still… in the arms of the One who loves me most, and the One who knows me best.

With each deep breath, I am keenly aware of my beating heart. Sometimes the heartbeat is so strong that my whole chest feels like it’s bursting. At times I am even aware of a flutter, as if I can literally and acutely feel my heart beating, at least, like I never have before.

I don’t so much feel like I’m walking in painful darkness. There are too many stars, too many moments of light and goodness, in the most unexpected moments and sources—a melody, a written note, a Scripture prayer, a TV show!

But I know there is still much to sort through.

Like a bursting Oklahoma thunderstorm, my emotions and thoughts have been fast-moving, unpredictable, and sometimes volatile.

And when that happens, I follow the same “storm readiness steps” with my spirit that we are taught to follow here in Tornado Alley:

·      be alert,

·      listen to the warnings,

·      take precautions at the possibility of dangerous threats, and when needed,

·      go to your storm-safe place!

I'm here to remind you that it's only the beginning

“He who names Himself “God with us” 

never stops suffering with us.”

~Ann Voskamp

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"No human heart has ever entered into such a dark night as that God/Man in Gethsemane and on Golgotha. No searching human spirit can penetrate the unfathomable mystery of Godforsakenness of the dying God/Man. But Jesus can give His friends a taste of this utmost bitterness...

A 'Scientia Crucis,' (knowledge of the cross) one can only acquire by getting to feel the cross thoroughly. Of that, I was convinced from the first moment and have said with all my heart: Ave, crux, spes unica (Welcome, cross, our only hope)."

~Edith Stein, St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross

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I look at Palm Sunday as a sort of reset button.

No matter what this Lent has been about, no matter what I’ve done or not done well, no matter what my intentions were five weeks ago—I can give myself fully to this coming week.

So if you are like me and you’re wondering if it’s too late, I’m here to remind you that it’s only the beginning.

This is Holy Week.

Look at the rest of this week with new eyes.

Say yes to the quiet moments. They’re everywhere!

Look at your Bible (or daily readings) before you look at your phone in the mornings (Pope Francis’ suggestion, not mine!).

Take time to read the Passion story... perhaps watch "The Passion" movie.

Pray.

Spread joy -- in whatever circumstance you find yourself in this week.

Celebrate the Triduum… Thursday’s Mass of the Lord’s Supper… Friday’s Adoration of the Cross… and yes, if at all possible, go to the Easter Vigil.  It is the most beautiful liturgy of the whole Liturgical year!

[this post is a slightly modified repeat from April 9, 2017!]

when writing is prayer

It has been so long... remember me?

I am that writer who sometimes -- too often, actually -- makes time for all things, and forgets to make time for writing.

Like so many other things in life, important and essential things, I learned long ago that writing begets writing. If I want to write... if I need to write, the best thing I can do is sit down and start writing.

In my journal; on this blog; by hand on a pad of paper; or on a blank document on my MacBook. Even writing a letter or a card. The more I write, the more my heart, my spirit, my mind wake up.

Maybe I'll even be back here tomorrow.

Please don't pass out if you see me again in your inbox...

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"Why do I have chronic soul amnesia and forget..."

~Ann Voskamp

on my nightstand

“A book, too, can be a star, a living fire to lighten the darkness, 

leading out into the expanding universe.”

~Madeleine L’Engle

"Beware of the person of one book."

~Thomas Aquinas

My talented daughter Anamaría recently wrote a blog post titled “On My Nightstand.”   Here’s a link to her blog, Accidental Discoveries.

I liked the idea so much that I’m copying her!

As you can see in the above picture, the short stack of titles on my nightstand right now includes:

“The Essence of Prayer” by Ruth Burrows  

“One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are” by Ann Voskamp  

Dappled Things Journal, a gift from Anamaría and her husband Travis!  

And “The Art of Memoir” by Mary Karr 

But I have to confess that I’m one of those people who like to "read" several books at once. I say "read" because I jump from one to the other until I'm ready to move on! I also enjoy magazines from the back cover forward, but that’s a different story.

That means that at any given time, the short stack closest to my bed can have three, four, five or more books—and often a journal.

My prayer table is a different story. In addition to a candle, crucifix, a small image of Our Lady of Guadalupe, and a prayer bowl where I write prayer intentions, my prayer table will always include my Bible, sometimes a journal, and at times my Magnificat or other book of reflections.

It still sounds like a lot of things, but compared to my nightstand, my prayer table is downright orderly!

While to the untrained eye my nightstand may look like a disaster, to me, it’s a distinct, personal space where I keep the books that I want closest to me right now.

Don’t get scared, but here’s what that looks like:

The funny thing is that when my Grands come over, I don’t have to explain to them that my nightstand is a special place to me.  With a reverence similar to the one they have as they approach my prayer table, he or she will stand and look at my bedside treasures —always asking for permission to touch, hold, or see what they instinctively know is special to me.

What about you... what's on your nightstand?