Pat walking the Camino de Santiago, 2003 |
Yearning for
a new way will not produce it. Only ending the old way can do that.
You cannot
hold onto the old, all the while declaring that you want something new.
The old will
defy the new;
The old will
deny the new;
The old will
decry the new.
There is
only one way to bring in the new. You must make room for it.
~Neale
Donald Walsch
I may not always know my place in this
world. Things are ever changing.
But in counting gifts I can always
find my place in God.
In His heart… He alone
holds me as He continues to enfold me in His love.
~Mary Anne Morgan [see her wonderful blog and photography here]
My internal clock is extremely connected to the academic year cycle.
The combination of living with teachers my entire life and also having a birthday in mid-August makes
this time of year feel like the beginning of a new year—much more so than January 1st!
This summer has felt jam packed with
festivities, family gatherings, wonderful visits with old friends and with far
away family, and the excitement of working on final details associated with my
new book. You can read more about my Father Stanley Rother biography here!
I confess that it’s been a challenge for me, physically, to keep up with this
level of activity—no matter how good, how fun or how enjoyable.
Emotionally, it has been simply too much for me to ingest.
For example, as weird as it sounds, I will find myself in
the middle of a fun, joyful gathering, and a part of me feels numb… just going through the motions, taking care of what needs to be done.
Or worse yet, I’ll have my entire crew here,
in our home… all my wonderful and fun adult children, and our five amazing
grandchildren (with one more baby girl on the way!) – and I notice that I have an overwhelming wave of emotion that I can
only describe as loneliness.
It’s enough to make me feel like I’m crazy,
or at the very least, ungrateful!
But on this my birthday week – I made the decision to stop berating myself and
simply acknowledged that I am tired,
and that it’s okay that I feel tired.
And I realized that what I am feeling is the weight of change—and the cost of my desire
to be truly present to the people in my life.
+ + + +
We
live life forward, but we understand it backward
~Søren Kierkegaard
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