beer, birthdays and butt paste

Pat walking the Camino de Santiago, 2003

Yearning for a new way will not produce it. Only ending the old way can do that.

You cannot hold onto the old, all the while declaring that you want something new.

The old will defy the new;

The old will deny the new;

The old will decry the new.

There is only one way to bring in the new. You must make room for it.

                         ~Neale Donald Walsch

I may not always know my place in this world. Things are ever changing.

But in counting gifts I can always find my place in God.  

In His heart… He alone holds me as He continues to enfold me in His love.

                        ~Mary Anne Morgan [see her wonderful blog and photography here]

My internal clock is extremely connected to the academic year cycle.

The combination of living with teachers my entire life and also having a birthday in mid-August makes this time of year feel like the beginning of a new year—much more so than January 1st!

This summer has felt jam packed with festivities, family gatherings, wonderful visits with old friends and with far away family, and the excitement of working on final details associated with my new book.  You can read more about my Father Stanley Rother biography here!

I confess that it’s been a challenge for me, physically, to keep up with this level of activity—no matter how good, how fun or how enjoyable.

Emotionally, it has been simply too much for me to ingest.

For example, as weird as it sounds, I will find myself in the middle of a fun, joyful gathering, and a part of me feels numb… just going through the motions, taking care of what needs to be done.

Or worse yet, I’ll have my entire crew here, in our home… all my wonderful and fun adult children, and our five amazing grandchildren (with one more baby girl on the way!) – and I notice that I have an overwhelming wave of emotion that I can only describe as loneliness.

It’s enough to make me feel like I’m crazy, or at the very least, ungrateful! 

But on this my birthday week – I made the decision to stop berating myself and simply acknowledged that I am tired, and that it’s okay that I feel tired. 

And I realized that what I am feeling is the weight of change—and the cost of my desire to be truly present to the people in my life.

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                                       We live life forward, but we understand it backward

                ~Søren Kierkegaard